Thursday, July 20, 2017

Wonder Women

My goodness, now isn’t this some perfect timing. First the “Wonder Woman” movie comes out and we’re all transported to a paradise island of Themyscira filled with Amazons who know that when it comes to pleasure men are not necessary. And now we get a biopic about the man who created Wonder Woman and the wonder women in his own life. If you know even a little bit about Wonder Woman’s comic origins (or have perused some old copies) you know that the man who created her and went by the penname of Charles Moulton was, well, kinky as hell. So naturally the film “Professor Marston and the Wonder Women” delves into his kinks and polyamorous relationship with his wife and a female student, who helped to inspire Wonder Woman.

Now, it would be easy to go with the “Oooooh, threesome”-route with this film. But the trailer suggests something much deeper and – very thankfully – let’s the women’s role in this relationship truly shine. And it also seems to blends two of my favorite things: feminism and ladies-kissing-ladies But then, we should expect no less from lesbian filmmaker Angela Robinson, who wrote and directed the project. She is the writer-director behind your favorite campy lesbian film “D.E.B.S.” and your favorite “The L Word” sequence a.k.a. The Phone Tree. So, hell yeah, let your freak flag fly. The more wonder women, the better.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

No Time Like the Present

Just like probably everyone born after 1963, I read “A Wrinkle in Time” as a kid and loved it. How could you not? A girl travelling through the space time continuum to fight evil and save her family? Hello, yes. And now that the trailer for the new big screen adaptation I have a feeling kids old and young will remember again why they loved this story so much. The first trailer for the film from director Ava DuVernay is a feast for the eyes. And, just as exciting, is how wonderfully diverse the cast is. Look, folks, this is science fiction – we get to make the worlds we want to see. We’re bound by nothing but our imagination. So why not be inclusive? Exactly, no reason at all.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Lady Doctor Is In

You gals, you gals, WE DID IT! We ruined more men’s childhoods! A round of high vaginas to everyone! It only took 54 years, but finally we have a female Doctor Who. Yesterday it was announced that British actress Jodie Whittaker will pick up the Sonic Screwdriver as the 13th Doctor. Of course, now they have to turn it onto a Sonic Melonballer or something because ladies and boobies and such. Duh.

I’m not familiar with Jodie (I never watched “Broadchurch” or “Attack of the Block” or any other “Black Mirror” episode than “San Junipero”). But folks who know about these things seem very pleased about her casting and I am as well. I have not been a huge fan of No. 12, Peter Capaldi. He is so terribly grumpy. But I love Pearl Mackie’s Bill and very, very (very, very, very) much hope she stays on as the Companion. A white female Doctor and a queer woman of color Companion? YES, ALL OF THE PLEASES. The casting also sets up some delicious queer possibilities. Hello, sweetie – bring on River Song, bring her now.



So it seems my plans to make an all-female reboot of everything ever (“Ghostbusters,” “Star Wars,” now “Doctor Who”) is going along swimmingly – except for that whole presidential election hiccup. *stares into the endless abyss of reality and then looks back at my television* Obviously, man babies are already upset about this because there isn’t enough to be upset about in the world already. Because, sure, a more than 2,000-year-old alien who regenerates into new bodies and travels through all of space and time fighting other aliens and future and past humans and all manner of in between in a blue police all box that is bigger on the inside is totally believable as long as he is a dude. But as soon as The Doctor is a women, hold on now, let’s get a grip and go back to reality. Right. Got it, fellas. But, hey, you know what, I am 110 percent for ruining more grown men’s childhoods to make little girls this happy today.


Suck it, haters. There’s a new Doctor Who in town and she is gonna turn that Tardis into a blood yurt like all women have dreamed of for always. *witch cackle* *puff of smoke* *hail of tampons*

Friday, July 14, 2017

My Weekend Crush

I don’t pray. I’m not a religious person, as I’ve shared before. But I do, at times, understand the inclination to seek help from some all-knowing, all-seeing something out there somwhere. And I certainly recognize the desire to find grace in our lives. Which makes such an explicitly spiritual song like “Praying” such an interesting emotional journey. I hadn’t listened to it last week when it was released because, well, it’s called “Praying.” And, again, that’s not something I do.

But then this week I took the time to give it a listen and not only is it a good song, it’s emotional and defiant and powerful in a way in a way I had not expected. Kesha’s personal and legal battles have been well publicized. She has fought her record label to be let out of her contract with her sexual abuser. But her efforts have failed and her abuser remains free despite having to endure years of sexually, physically, verbally, and emotionally abuse. The world can be terrible and cruel and just terribly cruel.

Which is why a song like “Praying” has such an impact. Before I heard it, I had wrongly assumed it was about her seeking prayer for herself. She has talked openly about how abuse made her fall into a deep depression, experience intense anxiety and develop an eating disorder. But instead of that, her song turns the tables on her abuser. She hopes he is praying, and changing. It’s an empowering song, a defiant song, an important song about how we can break but not be broken forever by those who do us grievous harm. It’s a beautiful anthem about moving on and finding strength for the countless women who have also survived sexual assault, abuse and other terrors.

This is of added import during a time when our current administrations seems intent on making things even harder for survivors. Like having the secretary of education meet with so-called men’s rights groups who believe domestic violence and sexual assault are actually over-reported and also women who report rape cases which aren’t taken to trial should be trolled. Great. Just fucking great.

“Praying” is also a reminder in our disposable pop culture that women – especially young women – are not superfluous, interchangeable baubles. Each is her own person, has her own identity. This industry tried to turn Kesha into just an easily forgotten mess of smeared mascara and leftover glitter. But she is an artist, a woman deserving of her voice and her autonomy. A woman who has endured and will continue to create. And a woman whose light cannot be stolen by anyone. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Haught Uniform

You guys, YOU GUYS. We need to talk about Officer Way Haught’s new uniform. Her totally Haught/hot new uniform. Her full bonkers/bananapants new uniform.



Oh, Emily Andras, you’ve done it again. You’ve given lesbians, bi girls and general lovers of beautiful ladies everywhere another gift from the queer lady heavens. This uniform, THIS UNIFORM. Like, are there a lot of underwater crimes in Purgatory? Because, dude, that thing is a wet suit if I’ve ever seen one.

Old Uniform:


New Uniform:


Whatever the reason, I applaud the Purgatory Sheriff Department for its ridiculously form-hugging sartorial choices. I also applaud the ditching of the khakis. Let’s face it, no one looks their best in khakis. I mean, Officer Haught did her best and sure filled them out as nicely as possible. But, yeah, bless this wet suit/sheriff’s uniform.


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Theme Word

Look, I can’t stop thinking about “The L Word” sequel news. It’s like the ghosts of girlfriends past have come to give it one more shot. And we’re both excited and anxious and a little confused and possibly even scared by the whole thing. (To read my more salient thoughts, check out my guest column for The Hollywood Reporter here.) But I think the one thing we can all agree on is that theme song has GOT TO GO. I remember screaming at my television the first time I heard “Girls in tight dresses who drag with mustaches.” WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK. Sure, now it has taken on a certain nostalgia. Particularly all that talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming. But as a piece of music, you cannot reasonably argue its merits. Like just thinking about that discordant “And loooooooooove” at the end makes me rethink my sexual orientation. (Kidding, it just makes me want to be celibate.)

Anyway. Seems I wasn’t the only one thinking about a new theme. Queer musicians Mary Lambert and Michelle Chamuel helpfully whipped up an impromptu new theme yesterday. And, you’ve got to admit, it has a ring to it. I particularly like all the giggling. But, again, anything is preferably to that damn Betty monstrosity.


Bottom line, Chaiken, for lesbian heaven’s sake, pick a new song.

p.s. I also still can’t get over the fact that the original Season 1 theme song was replaced for Netflix because, apparently, Showtime didn’t own the rights to the weird bubble dot music or something equally bizarre.


Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The Sequel Word

HOLY FUCKBALLS, THE L WORD IS COMING BACK. Yes, “The L Word” is being revived. I know, I know – we’ve all talked about it and dreamed about it and dreaded it and everything in between since the show went off the air eight years ago. But Showtime has now officially announced that they’re moving forward with a sequel that would start a few of the original cast (Jennifer Beals, Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey, specifically) and have a new, as-yet-unnamed showrunner (Chaiken will executive produce, but not be hands on because of “Empire” … note to self, send “Empire” a muffin basket). So this isn’t theoretical, this is real life.

I have a lot (LIKE A LOT) of thoughts on this. You can read a lot of them in a guest column over at The Hollywood Reporter right now. But primarily what I want to say is this is CRAZYPANTS. And, dream big lesbians, because apparently anything can fucking happen.

p.s. Now that I have had half a second to process, give me your wish list. Who should be showrunner? What do you want to see? Good news, Jenny is still dead! (I think.)

Monday, July 10, 2017

Ab Raider

Oh, please, like I was the only lesbian frantically Googling “Alicia Vikander abs” this weekend. When the Swedish actress was tapped to star as Lara Croft in the new “Tomb Raider” reboot I thought she was a little slight for the role. And I’m not just talking body shape, but height and just stature. But then it’s near impossible to follow in Angelina Jolie’s combat boots. Still, I have to give her credit, she is definitely trying to make up for it with her devotion to crunches. Like, dayum girl. Imma do my laundry on those things.



p.s. While these abs are insanely impressive, they still are no Missy Peregrym getting out of the ice bath in “Stick It.”

Friday, July 07, 2017

My Weekend Crush

You know what this final season of “Orphan Black” needs? More Delphine. Of course, there’s very little in life that could not be considerably improved by more Delphine. So there’s that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled that she was cured of Dead Lesbian Syndrome. Still a little part of me misses badass bitch, straight-haired Delphine from two seasons ago. But cheated death, secret rebel mad science adorable puppy Delphine isn’t terrible either. It’s just harder to set to song. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Coulda Been So Kate


One of the many, many, many, countless things that have been ruined by the Trump presidency is the possibility of four (to eight) glorious years of Kate McKinnon playing the first Madame President every weekend on “Saturday Night Live.” Sure, it’s not as important as the persecution of immigrants, the rollback of civil rights, the bald-face attempts at voter suppression, the denial of climate change and so many, many, many, countless other things. But, fuck, it still makes me sad. Oh, Electoral College, how you suck.

Wednesday, July 05, 2017

Just Keep Hopping, Just Keep Hopping

Greetings. It’s the day after a fairly concussive holiday here in the states. I spent the last 72 hours calming my freaked the fuck out pets and reassuring them the sky isn’t falling. So if you are feeling any similar anxiety or trying to distress, I highly recommend you watch these 49 seconds of what can only be accurately called a sea bunny hopping along near the ocean floor. Yes, yes, I know it’s actually some kind of tiny octopus. But it has ears and it swim hops. So, you know, sea bunny. Have a great rest of your week, sea kittens.

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Remembrance of July

Happy Fourth of July, which if you’re not from the U.S.A. is most definitely not a holiday you should worry about. But if you are from the U.S.A. I would like to take this opportunity, in between blowing shit up in your backyard, to harken us all back to an America we can actually be proud of. It hasn’t even been six months since President Obama left office, but it feels like 60 years. Sigh. Maybe we’ll get back there again some day. Yes we can, at least dream about it.

Monday, July 03, 2017

The Sexism Is Out There

Sometimes something will seem so inconceivably backwards that you have to stop and say, “Really?!?” But then, what can be deemed inconceivable and inappropriate, unacceptable and unpresidential has changed so much in the past year it has raised the “Really?!?” bar to unconscionable, untenable levels. Still, it certainly stung to hear “The X-Files” had hired yet another all-male writers room for its upcoming 11th season. Last year during its revival 10th season, all of the episodes were written by men except for the finale which is credited to show creator Chris Carter with acknowledgements to longtime series science consultant Anne Simon and fellow scientist Margaret Fearon.

But according to reports, the new season is all dudes – many of them returning or promoted from last season. Dudes, dudes, dudes, duuuuuudes. So, yeah, that’s cool. And by cool I mean seriously, guys? Look, last season was bad. Like, seriously bad. So to have the same dudes who did that come back and do this? Let’s just say I do not have high hopes.

And, looks like series star Gillian Anderson is none to pleased either. And she throws in the added kicker that only two of the show’s 207 episodes – over the course of its entire 10-year run – were directed by women. Yeah, I think that deserves a “Really?!?” and a “WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK?!?”


And the first one of those two women was Gillian Anderson herself – and that wasn’t until Season 7. So, for those keeping score at home, that is 205 episodes of TV directed by dudes and two, TWO, by women. And that is on top of the reported initial pay disparity between Gillian and David for the reboot. Yeah, guess who was offered less. Hint, it was not the dude. Damn, “The X-Files,” if it were not for Gillian it would be so easy to quit you. So easy.

The truth is out there, and it’s sexist as fuck.

Friday, June 30, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Just in case you had forgotten, there once was a show called “Lost Girl,” and it had its female leads have leg grabbing, shirt ripping, screen melting sex scenes like this. And it was good. So good. Happy I’ll be in my bunk weekend, all.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Some Broads

In these insane, anxious times I took toward insane, hilarious ladies. And they don’t get more crazy and more funny than the gals from “Broad City.” I wish the new season was starting now. Now. Nownownow. But, alas, we must wait until August. Jesus, who knows where we’ll all be in late August. Like will Putin be our president then or what? Anyway. If we can hold out until then we get the continued adventures of Ilana & Abbi with guest spots by Wanda Sykes, Jane Curtain and possibly Shania Twain. In the immortal words of Ilana, “Fuck you Trump!” We’re going back in.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Annuale of the Month

I feel like – even though biologically we should be allowed to do it once a month – all women should be permitted to act out this Annuale SNL ad once a year. And I am calling my annual Annuale this week. Someone, fetch me my fire axe.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

A Half-Baked Proposal

So, once again, the kind folks at Autostraddle asked me to review another episode of “Orange Is the New Black.” And, of course, I had to get the one with Larry’s White Ass. Of course I do.

[Spoiler Alert: Yo, stop reading if you aren’t past 512.]

As the penultimate episode of the season, “Tattoo You,” was – strange. Strange because they decided to stop all of a sudden to give us a love story. And a love story many people have long since lost interest in at that. Ahem. Though, I guess it only makes sense they’d throw in a Hail Marry romance in the same season there was a slasher movie episode. But, yeah.

Anyway, share your thoughts – agree, disagree, and/or anything in between – over in the comments. Find the review here.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Gal Talk

Here is just 4 minutes and 6 seconds of Gal Gadot being all kinds of adorable talking about herself. Not a bad way to start a week, if I do say so myself. One of the greatest feats of “Wonder Woman” – besides the whole proving a female superhero movie can be awesome and make a shitton of money and kick all those boring superhero dudes asses – was giving all the Amazons Israeli accents to match Gals’s accent. Hey, if you can’t beat them, join them.

p.s. This video also gave us this gif, for which I will be eternally grateful. And eternally in my bunk.


Friday, June 23, 2017

My Weekend Crush

You guys. If anyone ever tells you consent isn’t sexy, yeah, just show them this. Because consent is so, so sexy. As is this scene. As is everything to do with WayHaught. Look, I don’t know exactly what is up with dark eyes, bell stealing Waverly, but I know what’s happening between her and Officer Nicole Haught is real and really, really hot. So happy TGIWH (WayHaught) day. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Gender Fuck Thursday: Unbowed

Yes, yes, I know – bow ties are cool. Loosened bow ties? Sometimes, on the beautiful lady, they’re even cooler. Plus, it’s been an insane a year so far and we’re not even half way through. So loosen that bow tie, ladies. Because who the hell knows what is coming next.

Cate Blanchett & Emily Blunt

That this photoshoot exists is proof there is a god and she’s definitely a lesbian.

Sue Perkins

Speaking of lesbians, way to represent, Sue.

Angelina Jolie

I mean, she’s single now – right?

Jane Lynch

It’s always so strange to see her as Spencer’s mom on “Criminal Minds.” But, fear not, she’ll be back to her womanizing comedy ways soon.

Angela Bassett

Sometimes I feel like I watch “American Horror Story” just for her. A lot of the time, actually.

Naomi Watts

Whenever I see Naomi I just think, but seriously, WTF was “Mulholland Drive” about?

Kate Winslet

Mean of her to steal the fainting couch when she knows we’ll need it.

Monica Bellucci

Don’t smoke. Or Monica will stop wearing this.

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

The cutest prom dates ever.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Gillian Gods

You guys, I finished “American Gods” and I’ve decided the strong WTFisHappening feelings through the first half of the season were totally worth it. The series really came together in its second half, thanks mostly to the women of the series who helped center the show. And by women I mostly mean Gillian Anderson because I, too, believe in Sue Perkin’s eternal TV/life motto. But, actually it was the many faces of Gillian, the colorful color-sapping power of Kristin Chenoweth, the deadpan of Dead Wife Emily Browning and endless vagina nebula of Yetide Badaki that really sold me on the series.

I am actually excited now to see how this crazy new gods vs. old gods war plays out. And while I know I should probably be rooting for the old gods, it’s hard to root against Gillian. Or should I say Lucy. Or Bowie. Or Marilyn. Or Judy. Oh, my.


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Burn, Cheeto, Burn

I’m not sure if you’ve been watching the new season of “Orange Is the New Black” yet or not. I have been. But I will say this is the first season I haven’t binged all at once in one weekend. I still have the final four episodes to watch. The kind folks over at Autostraddle have asked me to a review a couple of the episodes. The first one is of episode 506 – you know, the one with the Cheetos. (Appropriately named “Flaming Hot Cheetos, Literally.”) You can check out my review here.

While the season may have some real tonal and thematic problems (and, it does), I did appreciate how the episode evoked – even if only for a moment – the emotions so many of us have felt about the state of our world. In explaining her grief about Poussey, Soso also described – intentionally or more likely not – the kind of grief many of us feel about what’s happening in America. Or, at least it did for me. Everyone is different and everyone responds to art different. And that’s kind of the beauty of the thing.

Anyway, I’d appreciate if you gave it a read and feel free to agree or disagree with me in the comments.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Makeup Monday

Some weekends you just don’t want to end – hence the tardy Monday post. So here in the afterglow is one of my favorite non-film stills of Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara together. The contrast of the light and the dark. The Cate reaches for Rooney’s hands. Sublime. Have a good week, no matter the late start, kittens.

Friday, June 16, 2017

My Weekend Hero

Life has a poetic way of rooting out our hypocrisies sometimes. Like by having a queer woman of color act heroically to saves a homophobe’s life. But that’s the thing about humans. We can be absolute garbage all too often. But then sometimes we can also be reminded that we don’t have to be garbage. We can be brave and dutiful and rise above to do our jobs like Special Agent Crystal Griner did this week. The Capitol Police officer was one of three officers who saved the lives of Republican congressmen and their staff when an angry, violent white man with a history of violence against women who shouldn’t have had access to guns but did opened fire on them at a softball practice. Griner was shot in the ensuing firefight, as was fellow officer David Bailey. Another officer, Henry Cabrera, also returned fire but was not injured.

The congressman whose life Griner and the other officers saved was GOP Representative Steve Scalise from Louisiana. You might remember him as the Frau Farbissina of Obamacare repeal. He was shot in the hip and remains in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Look, no one deserves to be shot. Seriously, don’t shoot people. But the irony of a man with Rep. Scalise’s record being saved by a queer woman of color (and two other men of color, it should be noted) cannot be ignored.

He earned a “0” from the Human Rights Campaign and an A+ from the National Rifle Association.

He authored the ban on same-sex marriage in the Louisiana Constitution. He voted against the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” He was one of the sponsors of last year’s so-called “First Amendment Defense Act,” one of those license to discriminate laws under the guise of religious freedom. And he has voted against anti-gay hate crime protections.

He voted in January to reverse a federal rule that prevents people with serious mental-health issues from buying guns. He also co-sponsored an upcoming bill to loosen restrictions on silencers. And since he entered congress in 2008 he has introduced four measures to make it easier to sell guns interstate.

In short, he wants no rights for gays and all the rights for guns.

And, because no modern GOP agenda is complete without a little racism, he has described himself as “David Duke without the baggage” and was a guest speaker at an international conference of white supremacist leaders. Neat-o!

But enough about that asshole. Let’s talk about someone who deserves acclaim instead – Agent Griner. The 32-year-old was a veteran officer on Scalise’s special security detail. She attended Hood College in Maryland where she was a star basketball player.

A former classmate at Hood described her as such:

“She was a woman to be reckoned with at Hood: an amazing athlete and a lively presence. It does not surprise me at all that she would think so quickly and act so courageously.”
At her side while recovering in the hospital is her wife, Tiffany Dyar. The couple married in 2015 – you know, the year the Supreme Court finally affirmed our fundamental right to wed the person we love. Trump and Melania reportedly visited Griner and her wife in the hospitals. Poor thing. She puts her own life on the line to defend a bigoted homophobe and then her reward is a visit from that despicable Cheeto. Fine, it’s not all poetry. Thanks for your heroism and reminding us when they go low, we save their deplorable lives anyway. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

The Reunion Word

Well, well, well. Seems all that Twitter back-and-forth between our favorite “The L Word” stars meant something after all. No, the gang isn’t reuniting for a revival of the series – just yet. But they did get together for a reunion show to discuss the series, which debuts online today. “EW Reunites: The L Word” features Jennifer Beals, Kate Moennig, Mia Kirshner, Erin Daniels, Leisha Hailey, Sarah Shahi, Daniela Sea and – yes – The Chaiken talking about the series for the People/Entertainment Weekly Network. (You can stream it here today).



I’ve ruminated about whether we need another “The L Word.” Need and want, of course, are very different things. I’d argue that as much as we might want one, we might not absolutely need one – like we did 13 years ago when it debuted – because of the amount of representation that has become integrated into other shows from “Wynonna Earp” to “Supergirl” and “Orphan Black.” Granted, we’ve had a bad run the past year or so what with all the burying of gays and some favorites leaving. (Oh, “Lost Girl,” I miss you so.) Still, as much as “The L Word” drove us all absofuckinglutely bonkers, it is a little irresistible to dream. I mean, who are we kidding, we would totally watch. Maybe, just maybe a new “The L Word” could get things right. Without the unnecessary deaths of beloved tennis stars and with more diversity. Without the offensive trans storylines/random murder mysteries/high-tech computer searches and with plots that make sense for a change. Look, a gay gal can dream.

Either way, it’s nice to see the gang all back together. While all the queer lady fandoms are great, there was something special about the communal feel of everybody watching the same show. Sure, it was because it was all we had. But it was ours – the good, the bad, the Jenny Schecter.

Here are two clips from the reunion show, courtesy the People/Entertainment Weekly Network.

First, Jennifer on saving the world.



Then Ilene on the possibility of a revival.



And here are a few more shots of The L Ladies. Damn, they’ve still got it. Reunited and it feels so gay.



p.s. In that last photo I am imagining Kate and Mia cracking up about the fact that Shenny was ever a thing.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Relationship Goals

Hard same, Sue Perkins. HARD SAME.

p.s. fear not, I will be talking about Gillian on American Gods, soon.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Armor Top Tuesday

Bring me my two-hour Amazons of Themyscira movie. Bring it to me now. Look, we can all agree they live in paradise. Strong women. Fierce warriors. Wise leaders. Diverse community. No men. Forget San Junipero. Themyscira is heaven on Earth. I so love that “Wonder Woman” cast real athletes as its Amazons. And, damn girl, it shows. Then, after our Amazon movie, I would like a sequel that tackles all twelve volumes of the Amazonian treatise on love and sexuality. I also want T-shirts that say, “When it comes to pleasure, men are unnecessary.“ And all the lesbians said AMEN.

OK, Amazons, now let's get in formation.



p.s. I mean, just think of the AMAZONIAN ABS. OK, gay ladies, time to Kickstarter this thing.